Pregnancy/Honesty

Ok, I've been debating writing this post for a while now. I'm pretty sure that most of you (if anyone even reads this anymore) won't fully understand or appreciate why I'm writing this....but I think it will be good for me to "get it out" and i'm all about the therapy.

Pregnancy 2.0. My experience thus far.

One thing I've learned about pregnancy is that everyone thinks they know what it is like. Either you've been through it yourself or you know someone who has shared their experience with you. Let me say, I thought I knew what it is like. I've been pregnant before, I have lots of friends who have been pregnant. I know what this is about....

Something else I've learned, every pregnancy is different and no one will really ever fully understand what yours is like. Accept this fact. Now, if you are unfortunate enough to have what I will call a "traumatic pregnancy" then your odds of people understanding what you are experiencing will decrease dramatically. There must be some sort of mathematical equation regarding this where the amount of suffering you experience is directly related to the decreasing level of understanding. Math, I've already said more than I comprehend on that subject. ;)

So, another thing you may be aware of is as women we have a desire, a need even, for people to understand us, to relate to us. You see where I'm going with this? Good, we'll leave that for now.

Now, my experience with being pregnant with Rye was hard. Real hard. I'm talking bad nausea, no energy, aches, pains, heartburn, muscle cramps, mood swings, you name it. Tough stuff. Enough so that when I found out I was pregnant with baby #2, I cried. Not,"oh i'm so happy to have another one" cried, no, it was a "oh gosh, how can i got through that again, it was so miserable" cried. Just being honest. Yes I was excited about having another child, but at that point, with 9 months ahead of me, I was overwhelmed by the misery that was my first pregnancy.

Now I will summarize my pregnancy #2. I will try to do this without complaining, (I know you are thinking, can I do it?) I will try to stick to the facts. I have already done this a bit here but more has developed so here's the "up to week 34" update.

This pregnancy has included:

nausea--the first 5 months were at a steady level of "day 1 of the stomach virus". Since then I have fluctuated between "stomach virus" nausea and "my food did not agree with me at all" nausea. I have been on nausea medicine (the kind they give cancer patients who have to deal with chemo-nausea) most days of this pregnancy. I think I have had maybe 3 or 4 days total where I have experienced no nausea... since last August.

fatigue-- again, pretty much since the day of conception I have been exhausted. The first 4 months I didn't know you could be that exhausted unless you had a terminal illness. By this point, I can make it through the day as long as I sleep at least 8 hours at night and have a 1-2 hour nap during the day. On the days that doesn't happen (remember, I have a 2 year old) I am usually crying by dinner. My body just can't handle it. It being pregnancy. Apparently.

hives--I get hives when my body is either mentally or physically stressed out. Since pregnancy pretty much sucks the life out of me, I have had hives off and on throughout. Mostly just a mild annoyance, but a couple bouts which landed me with feet too swollen to walk, and in the doctors office.

illness--since my body requires complete dedication to build babies, I seem to be unable to ward off illnesses. I've had 4 stomach bugs and a handful of colds so far. What's a little extra nausea, right?

decreased capacity-- that's the only way i can think to describe it. Basically,the first month (as in, before I even knew I was pregnant), I could do about 70% of what I was doing pre-pregnancy. Second month dropped to 40%, the 3rd-5th months were the worst, I was operating at about 10-15% capacity. What that means is that I could lay on the couch, eat and go to the bathroom. Taking care of Rye was above my limit. Showering was above my limit too. There were a lot of breakdowns, physical, emotional, spiritual, mental, you name it. Months 6-7 I was back up to about 50% capacity. I could take care of Rye until Trev got home, keep myself fed and clean and either do a minimal amount of housework (ie, sweep the floor) or cook dinner. Most days. As long as I got a nap and took my nausea medicine. This past month has been my best month so far, I am up to about 60% capacity as long as I don't overdue it. The problem is that it is very easy to over due it. Which is why I am sitting here typing while I have another hives breakout. Sigh, oh that was close to complaining, ok sorry, back on track. I am still nauseous pretty much every day at some point, but I only have to take the medicine every other or every couple days. I can even accomplish some tasks around the house now, which is ever-so convenient since I am nesting like a mad woman. I still require daily naps though, but hey, comparatively, I'll take it.

There have been the other symptoms as well, such as food aversions, gag reflexes out of control, crazy mood swings, swelling, heartburn, muscle cramps, back pain etc but those have all been "minor" comparatively, so I'll just list them under "other symptoms" and not bore you with the details.

So, basically I have had a very "traumatic" pregnancy. It has been beyond what I would have imagined which then should not have been surprising for me to learn that it is beyond what most people could imagine as well. Even my doctor would suggest, well maybe you should be trying to get some exercise? To which I replied, "Oh I would LOVE to get some exercise! If you can help me figure out how to be able to make that possible I would be so excited. At this point, I'm trying to figure out how to take a shower at least every other day. I mean, I leave the couch to go to the bathroom, but then I have to lay down for another half hour afterward to recover. Literally. But, yea, exercising would be great." She didn't know quite how to respond to that. I think she said, Really? Wow, well ok then, we'll wait on that....

So, that leaves me with about 3 people I know who I feel understand (as well as possible) what I'm going through. Unfortunately they have had terribly traumatic pregnancies themselves. Man I thank the Lord for those 3 people who I feel I can tell how I'm feeling and they get it. They don't think, oh she's being dramatic, or oh, it can't be that bad. No, they know it is that bad and they are sympathetic. What a blessing.

So, I'm learning to be ok with people not understanding me. I try not to worry that I am convincing them that I am actually this miserable and not just being dramatic. I try not to feel like I have to justify myself. It's ok if they don't understand what I'm going though. It's frustrating and disappointing, but it's ok.

I am so excited to be almost done with this pregnancy. So excited. I can't wait to be able to work out or to stay up all day without a nap. To accomplish more than 2 tasks a day. Oh the joys of non-pregnancy! Now I realize that I've still got a good couple weeks after the baby comes before any of those dreams will be realized, but still, they are goals--real, tangible, soon-to-be realized goals. And I am excited about them.

Now you are probably thinking, why has she not mentioned the new baby? Here's why: I am excited about the baby. I'm excited that she's a girl. I'm excited about her name (I'll reveal that soon). I'm excited about her beautiful nursery that we are working on. I'm excited for Rye to have a sister. I'm excited to have a daughter. I am. However, I am having a hard time separating the fact that our beautiful baby girl who I love and adore, is the cause of my misery. Just being honest. But I know and trust that all that will change when she gets here. Just please don't tell me that in a couple years from now you won't even remember how hard this was. Please. I will always remember how bad this was, it has been the worst 8 months (so far) of my life. It has been the hardest thing I've ever gone through. It has been...awful. I'm not saying there wasn't grace and I haven't experienced a whole new level of dependence on God and his daily provision. I have and that part has been great. I have been supported by my wonderful husband and some great friends. I have felt the love. And I know that it will be worth it when she gets here. I do. But you just don't forget the hardest thing you've been through. But again, not everyone will understand. And that's ok. Becky was telling me the other day that God understands you perfectly and that, is all that matters.

So there you have it, Briana's pregnancy experience 2.0. Gold star if you managed to read the whole thing. Therapy. Shew. OK, I promise a very exciting upbeat post next. Just you wait and see.